Ok you guys I’ve been hearing from a LOT of people that I’ve been super boring lately, which I gotta be honest is PROFOUNDLY hurtful, lol, but I took it to heart and I did something! I sent ser Jorah out of town, lol. And some people are going to go “ughhh, Dany’s story is soooo boring” again in a few seconds, because I have a thing where (and believe me, ALL my friends will be the first to tell you I do this, lol!) but I have a thing where when I see a societal trend that I find unfair or limiting, I pretty much drop whatever slavemaster I’m crucifying and say “OMG, I gotta deconstruct that!” lol NO JOKE So I’m about to get real.
This time, I’m hearing a lotta crap that I “friendzoned” ser Jorah and it wasn’t fair that I sent him away. First off, the friend zone is a place, which means a noun, and not a verb. I know because I was the best student in my 8th grade English class and my teacher, Mr. Newcomer, was always like “Dany, you could easily test into AP English as a freshman if you answer the test questions accurately, but I was like “I WILL ANSWER THE AP TEST QUESTIONS WITH JUSTICE!!!!” But anyway, saying you “friendzoned” someone is like saying “I Mereened Essos with my Unsullied,” and that makes no sense because you guys verbs aren’t nouns! For the sentence to make sense, it would have to say “I did the same thing to all of Essos that I did to Mereen with my Unsullied” and it totes makes sense.
Where was I? Oh right, so Ser Jorah obviously wanted to do me, which is fine, lol, who can blame him? Hahaha no I’m not really like that. But I go to New Daario for my sex and not Ser Jorah, which DOESN’T MAKE ME A BAD PERSON. Ask ANY of my other friends before I had them killed, I am AWESOME to be friends with—it’s not a punishment. If I was my cool brother and I had a girl advisor that was in love with me (not my lame brother lol nobody was in love with him aww), nobody would say I “friendzoned” her for not sleeping with her, they’d be all like “Dany’s Cool Brother, you gots to lose that crazy girl!” lol and they’d all rub their beards or whatever I guess. It’s like if a guy is really into a girl and she doesn’t like him that way, she’s heartless, but if a girl is really into a guy and he doesn’t like her that way, she’s crazy. But you guys i’m not heartless or crazy—like after I crucified that one guy’s father I TOTES LET HIM BURY HIM!! So whatevs.
And it’s like, the whole time he was all “in love with me” he was talking about me behind my back to the guy who murdered my cool brother, so really what am I supposed to do??? Anyway I have a city to run, and now that Ser Jorah’s gone I can finally do all the stuff I wanted to do like kill more slaveowners and have a big party on the pyramid, plus I got a 93% in government class so it’s not like I don’t know what I’m doing, lol!
I don’t want to go all “WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS?” again but I just realized I haven’t seen them for a while. Usually I let them roam the countryside burning things because that’s pretty scary, but they always come back, only it’s been a few days, so now I’m getting worried they might be lost or have gone to another giant pyramid thinking its my giant pyramid and now some other girl is raising them and then when I go to get them back she’ll be like “these are my dragons” and I’ll have to burn her but guys I’ll feel really bad because I know what it’s like to get attached to a pet! If you see them and they don’t burn you, pls let me know thx
Okay so ever since I took over Mereen I’ve been living in this AWESOME pyramid room and just kinda hanging out, but it gets a little boring lol My lame brother told me that when my cool brother was younger he had a loft in King’s Landing where they had, like, INSANE parties, so I thought the pyramid would be kinda like that but so far its not, and the windows are really high up and bugs keep getting in them and I guess nobody knows how to clean them right, ughh!!! I had ser jorah see about getting the glass replaced with some kind of mesh screen so the bugs stop getting trapped, but he said that would be really expensive and I had more important things to worry about than bugs dying, and I was like THE BUGS CAN LIVE IN MY NEW WORLD OR THEY CAN DIE IN THEIR OLD ONE (the one with the glass still installed).
Also, and this is pretty big so maybe I should have said it first lol: I had sex with New Daario!! Don’t worry, ITS OKAY, I sent him to murder a bunch of slave owners right after so it’s not going to become a regular thing or anything. It’s just he’s super hot and totally into me and I have the power to make him do whatever I want so I was like “take off your clothes” and he totes did it and I’m just sitting there with my grape juice like “yeah”. I feel weird about it because I just assisted suicided my husband not long ago and I hadn’t been with a guy since and I don’t want to hurt ser Jorah’s feelings or anything but New Daario has an awesome beard and this might sound terrible but I’m kinda thinking I deserve this, right?
Let’s look at the facts, that’s all I’m saying. First of all my brother sells me to a mass murdering rapist which was okay because I fell in love with him, but then my dragons got stolen and even though I said “WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS?” no one gave them back and I had to fight a wizard for them and you guys know how I feel about wizards, then I got a giant slave army so that helped, lol, but it’s also really dry here and pyramids are kind of boring and I spent all my gold on a giant Targaryen flag, so maybe everybody can just lay off me for sleeping with a hot guy, okay? Plus Old Daario already saw my boobs, and I’m pretty sure that carries over to New Daario, so really we were halfway there, lol!
Ugh guys flowers noooooooooooo.
Ok I know I haven’t been keeping up with this lol but there is a lot to do and when you’re trying to free slaves and rule the world tumblr isn’t the first thing on your mind haha but I LOVE YOU GUYS!!! Lol
Anyway I woke up today and FIRST THING ser jorah is like blah blah khaleesi go to westeros blah blah blah and I’m honestly sick of it so I had to come here and vent, lol. One thing I’ve learned in my quest is that no matter what you want, people will try to keep you from getting it or tell you you’re doing it wrong. And don’t get me wrong I looooooove boys lol but what I’m saying now is mostly for the girls, since we know what it’s like to have people like my lame brother come up to us every day and say “don’t take what is yours, just be quiet instead.”
Lol you don’t even know but ever since I was a kid people have come up to me and said “you can’t like boys and be a good queen, you can’t like dragons and also like horses, dragons eat horses! You can’t be harsh and be respected, you can’t be respected and be kind, you can’t have brown eyebrows and white hair, you shouldn’t love an older guy or a younger guy or a mass murdering rapist, you should go back to westeros, you shouldn’t go back to westeros, you should buy an army of super soldiers, you should use dragons instead” well enough!!!!, lol
The thing is, every day of your life you’re going to wake up, and until you fall asleep you’re going to hear people telling you why you can’t be what you are. No one is ever going to tell you take what is yours. Just once I’d like ser jorah to be like “khaleesi, take what is yours, and let’s hear what YOU want to do today.” but noooooo, hahaha. Everybody thinks they know what’s best for you or what you’re supposed to be doing but they don’t, and you can’t listen.
Here’s why! If you listen long enough you’re going to stop trying to take what is yours and end up trying to help them take what is theirs. Don’t do it!!!!! Lol. You can’t stop them trying to stop you, so you have to be so stupidly strong, lol. Every day when you wake up say “I am Daenerys Stormborn of House Targaryen, and I will take what is mine!!!” (LOL OBV your name isn’t Dany probably but use your name where I said my name!!)
Even dragonfire burns out if it’s not properly tended, lol. Don’t let yours fade while you still have enemies left to burn, k?
Anyway, on to Mereen!!!!! Fire and Blood! Wooooooooooo!!!!
Sooo bored sitting outside Yunkai!! NO idea what you’re supposed to do after you capture a city, hahaha. I went crowd surfing on slaves for a few days but that gets OLD, lol trust me.
Anyway back before I killed her, as I will kill all who come between me and my throne, Doreah and I used to play this game called “KILL OR SPARE?” where she would name a great house and then I would say whether I would kill them or not, and she would listen silently.
Since I’ve got, like, NOTHING to do, I thought I could play the game here, so you guys know whether im going to burn you and your family with my dragons or not. LOL DON’T WORRY, it turns out there are other cities with slaves, so im going to free them before I even think about coming back to westeros and killing you. (BTW if you don’t know what house you are in check your shield, it should have a symbol on it!! Thx!!)
Ready?? Okay!!!! Here we go!!!
KILL OR SPARE:
House Baratheon: LOL OMG!!! HAHAHA OBV KILL
House Stark: House Stark is okay but kinda boring, haha. They didn’t directly kill my dad or brother or anything but they helped so KILL for sure. Sorry!
House Tully: Hmmmm don’t really know much about House Tully. Think they helped kill my dad though so probs kill. Plus their symbol is a fish so KINDA doing them a favor if you think about it lol.
House Greyjoy: LOOOOVE House Greyjoy because THEY TAKE WHAT IS THEIRS!!! Hahaha, biiiig problem though, the stuff they think is theirs is actually mine! Totes kill.
House Tyrell: They’re okay I guess, haha. Could go either way, but they have nice dresses sometimes so I’d at least try not to burn them.
House Lannister: OMG these guys don’t even have a chance. Like at all. It’s like “hey dany, we killed your dad and your brother’s kids, can you not burn us with your dragons?” LOL!!! What am I going to say?? “Sure, you guys can live! Let’s join forces!” Hahahaha. No! KILL.
House Martell: Honestly Martell is actually a pretty cool house. One of them married my cool brother and they’re just basically fun guys to have around. SPARE.
House Arryn: LOL I have NOOOOO idea who these guys are!!! Hahahaha! Kill I guess.
(If I didn’t mention your house, it’s probably a kill. LOL, there are so many houses, you guys don’t even know. Ugh!)
Sorry I haven’t been writing much but I’ve been trying to conquer this city and its been taking FOREVER haha like not kidding I’ve been sitting out here for weeks but its okay you guys because listen to this I MET A BOY! I think he likes me because the other day I was taking a bath and he snuck in and at first its like ‘oh no this guy’s going to kill me! WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS and why didn’t they burn him?’ but then he gave me the heads of these guys who were mean to me and I guess were going to try to kill me, so I let him see my boobs for like 8 seconds. I KNOW you guys but he’s super cute you don’t even know. He seemed into it but not, like, too into it, you know? So that’s a good sign. Lol I don’t even want to think what would’ve happened if ser jorah walked in on me in the bath, uuuughgh lolol.
Then a few days later all my soldiers were busy standing on rocks so Daario said (that’s the name of the boy, Daario…haha Dany why do you always go for guys whose name starts with D WEIRD lol!) that he could go in with ser jorah and grey worm and capture the city, and then ser jorah said something, who knows what, and Daario was all ‘I have no interest in slaves. A man cannot make love to property.’ OMG you guys!!!! That’s like EXACTLY how I feel about slavery! I’m against it!! Its like the universe is trying to tell me something, maybe? I don’t know lol. But things are serious right now with the dragons and the armies and ser jorah being all blah blah blah and my husband just died not too long ago so DON’T WORRY I’m taking it slow and if this guy ever comes between me and my throne no amount of charm will keep his head attached to his shoulders, lol
Anyway we did take over the city with just 3 guys so kinda regretting the giant army, but plus side (fingers crossed) I’ll have more time to write now since I’m not always looking at maps lol, but you guys I have to keep telling myself that I’m in a big war to take over the world and end slavery cause otherwise id totes waste even MORE time online, uggggggh FOCUS DANY hahaha!
Had a meeting with this guy from another lame harpy city today so I could threaten to murder him if he didn’t surrender all his slaves, lol. Im all about freeing slaves now and my friends that aren’t dead are always making fun of me, like “Dany did you just see Lincoln or something?” but I’ll be honest with you guys I tried to watch it and I could NOT get through it! Everybody just talks! Uggghgh! Haha but since I was going to meet with this guy Ser Jorah and the other old guy were both all “You should have a couch to look more intimidating.”
And its like “hey guys, maybe think of that BEFORE we set up the tent and then make the big path out of eunuch super soldiers” right??? I mean who even knows where to get a couch around here? But then Ser not Jorah was like “I think I saw a couch somebody left out by the road on the way” and im like “seriously? That thing looked raaaaaaaaaaaaaaank” lol (When I said rank I did a high funny voice that was awesome but I don’t know how to type it).
But then like even before I finish talking Ser Jorah’s already off getting the couch, like “it will be my honor khaleesi” and like literally twenty minutes later he comes dragging this thing back up the hill. Lol I think with some guys you just gotta let them do stuff for you. And its not a light couch either so now when I go to burn other cities somebody’s gotta be dragging this thing around, and I mean obv one of the super soldiers can do it, but it’s just, like, one more thing, you know?
Anyway I did finally meet with the guy and threaten to kill his entire city with dragons and I used the couch, so not a total loss I GUESS haha but it smells TERRIBLE
see everybody laughed but this is EXACTLY why I was always complaining when my dragons were missing and asking where they were lol!
(Source: tyrion-lannister, via wicnet)
Okay youre probably thinking languages are boring! I did too. Plus Valyrian is hard, so back when I was learning it with my lame brother I was always like ‘I want to go outside’ jk actually I never stood up to my lame brother back then because I was scared of him which was stupid because have you seen that guy? Hahaha he’s dead now.
But anyway the point is sometimes it helps to know another language even if it is super boring because then when you go to places where they speak it you can pretend like you don’t speak it and find out what they really think of you! right? so like if a guy keeps calling you a whore you can just stand there pretending like you don’t know hahaha! In Astapor this bald guy kept calling me a whore but then after he gave me a giant army I was like “lol! I knew what you were saying the whole time!!!” and then I said “dracarys” with a funny accent and burned him with my dragon for being mean to me!! LOLOLOL!! JK!!!
I would have burned him even if he were the kindest man in Essos.
I will have my army.